I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
