I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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