why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
