u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
