Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
