if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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