Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
