I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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