My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
