I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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