haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
