Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
