I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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