i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Send help, water and tortillas.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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