I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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