Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
