i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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