I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
