if you like me you must not know who I am
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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