I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
