I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
