I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
