So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
