Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
