Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
