he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
