Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
operation harelip BJ is a go
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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