after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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