why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
