not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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