I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Will exercising make me less horny?
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