i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
