How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
