Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
