i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
