Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize