Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
