if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
