Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
