do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
