can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
