i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
