well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
