I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
