my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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