Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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