I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
