He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
