I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
