what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
