i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
