I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
