You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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