I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
