I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
God, I missed his penis.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
