1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
