im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize