I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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