I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize