You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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