just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
