They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
