Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
