my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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