There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize