I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
