I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
