...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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