i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
