Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
