Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
