he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
