i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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