You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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